The Best Sister Transition

Farrah has adjusted perfectly...just perfectly.  Almost too perfectly if that makes any sense at all.  She was such a big girl during the hospital portion of Augusta's birth.  She happily left when it was time to go, she packed a tote bag full of her favorite things and told me she would see me later and told her Daddy let's go.  She walked all the way to the truck carrying her bag like a big girl, getting a lot of compliments from passerbys, enjoyed "tacos" (breakfast burritos) with Daddy, and headed to the farm for the day.  She told her Daddy she missed me and he explained that was totally normal and that he missed me too.  She returned and was so excited to see me and to hold her new baby sister once again.

Now that we're home, she absolutely loves to hold her "new baby sister."  All throughout the day, she'll ask, "Can I give her another hug and kiss, Mommy?"  And she carefully gives her a kiss on the cheek or forehead, and then lays her head onto her chest for a hug.  She'll ask to hold her new baby sister or when I offer for her to, she gets giddy with excitement, finds a place to sit, and stretches her arms out for her.

This video of Farrah meeting her new baby sister for the very first time is literally a tear-jerker for me.  It makes me feel ashamed of my fears and worries.  It makes me so damn proud of Farrah.  It makes me see firsthand what true and unconditional love is.



She literally adores her new baby sister.  She oftentimes asks if she can go check on her new baby sister.  She'll laugh when Augusta's leg is stretched out funny and ask if she can put it back for me.  Farrah will uncover Augusta's arm and she'll look at me and say, "I uncovered her arm for you, Mommy."

Farrah has been watching Caillou a lot lately, and Caillou says "Mommy" all the time when he is talking to his mother, so Farrah has been doing it too and my heart just loves and cherishes it.

Farrah held Augusta for probably 10 minutes and then said, "I'm tired, Mommy.  I want you to take her out of my arms now.  Can I give her a hug and kiss, Mommy?"

Baby blues keep popping in from time to time.  I'm hopeful it's just this first week of hormones adjusting back to normal.  I have to almost not think about some things that touch my heart so deeply, like the way my baby girl turned into a big girl and a big sister and holds nothing back.  And holds absolutely nothing against me or Augusta for any of it.  She just jumped right in to big sister status, something I can't even relate to.  I'm so proud of her that it hurts me. 

As I am sitting here on my bed right now while both girls are taking a nap with Grey's Anatomy paused on the TV, Farrah's door opened and I heard her go pee in her little potty.  I expected her to come find me, but instead I heard her door shut again.  I can't hardly handle her growing up on me like this.  I went in to check on her and she was laying back down in bed covering herself up to go back to sleep.  She asked, "Where were you, Mommy?"  I told her in my bed.  "Feeding Augusta?"  I told her that she is sleeping too.  "When she wakes up from her nap, can I hug her and kiss her and hold her, Mommy?"  I told her that she can.  "Thank you, Mommy," she says.  I patted her butt and she fell right back to sleep.  I think my heart may burst from all the love and happy feelings I have rapidly growing inside me. 

37 Weeks

At times, I think I'm the most uncomfortable pregnant woman to walk this earth.  Then I remind myself that I'm likely not.  However, my body is hurting, aching.  My skin is stretching and the skin on my stomach literally hurts from it.  Augusta pokes her little feet (or whatever) out and I can see it and see it move and feel it, and although it's cute and sweet, and extremely facinating, it hurts.

I can't walk without waddling, like a lot.  I can't get up and down easily.  If I sit on the floor, I actually need help to get up.  I can't fit in much of my clothes.  And on top of it all, I came down with a cold and I am entirely congested and then the drainage makes me cough.  It's annoying, and it prevents me from having a good night's sleep, which I really feel is needed lately.

I have been extremely emotional and when I told my doctor about it (and then started crying...again), she said it's likely due to a lack of sleep and she told me to take some Benadryl and try to get some rest.

Last week we received an email from the daycare we planned on switching Farrah to in the fall that they had an opening for her for these next two weeks.  With so very much hesitation on my part, we decided it was a good choice to go ahead and switch Farrah.  The perks:  Katie wouldn't have to take Farrah for the last remaining four trips and the stress that entails with Farrah's emotions and extra stuff to carry and leaving the car seat at the daycare, I would save myself three trips from Auxvasse in the evenings, it would save us $30 (it ended up being $10 after paying an enrollment fee), and it would give us a good trial run of how we felt and how Farrah handled the new daycare.

I'm not sure how to say this, but I felt like this transition was one of the hardest I have ever had to encounter.  I struggled severely with it.  Firstly, within one day, I had to let Farrah's current daycare know that the following day would be her last.  I sent and received several kindhearted messages about their care, and about their thoughts on Farrah.  The next day (her last day), was made special by Ms. Miah.  It started with peanut and peanut butter M&M's, all her friends and teachers made her a 'We'll miss you' card, Ms. Miah fixed her hair beautifully, and she sent me several beautiful photos of Farrah and of Farrah with her friends.  I cried throughout the day, and I cried when I picked her up and took all of her remaining items home from there, when Farrah saw her name tag removed from her mail drawer and asked me to put it back on, and when Ms. Marina was telling us bye.  I couldn't even speak.  I hid behind my sunglasses and did all that I could to not let Farrah see that there was any sadness related to this change.

Other recent pics from daycare...

I thought that was going to be the hardest part, but it wasn't.  On Monday, I decided to swing by Farrah's new daycare to have her meet her teachers and to pick up the required paperwork.  We showed up at lunchtime and all the kids were friendly and told Farrah hi!  Farrah stood as close to me as she could.  Then we went upstairs to look at her room and surroundings and talk a little with her new teacher, and I had the hardest time.  I was saddened by things like her not having a cubby yet, the stark difference from the environment we were used to, the completely different classroom set up, etc.  I was worried for Farrah to notice these differences and feel uncomfortable. 

However, I learned so much by watching her, which is what probably hurt me the most.

She's always been our fearful, timid child.  She clings on to me and never wants to let go.  This day, she was braver than I was.  She was completely and utterly trusting.  Trusting in me, trusting in this change, and trusting in her daycare and providers.  She didn't judge all the little things like I was doing.  She was simply living in the moment. 

She saw a toy purple castle while we were standing there and asked if she could play with it.  I asked her teacher if there were some little dolls that go with it, and her teacher dug around in a plastic box and couldn't find any.  Instead, she gave Farrah two My Little Ponies along with three zoo animals which included a tiger, bear, and a kangaroo.  I was disappointed for her in that moment that the pretty purple castle didn't have the correct inhabitants, but I watched Farrah play with those items just like they belonged there.  (It bothered me so badly that I bought three little princess dolls that evening for her to take with her to play with in the castle!)

Farrah showed me complete versatility.  She showed me acceptance.  She showed me a side of her that was new to me and a little scary to me.

When I dropped her off on her first day, kids were chanting her name cheerfully.  We took her items to her cubby upstairs that now had her name written on a purple butterfly, I tried sitting with her at the breakfast table but she didn't want to eat, I showed her the playground outside, and then Kirsten (the director) asked if she wanted to wave to me out the window (which is what we always did at "Abe Charley's) so she agreed to it. 

Kirsten sent two photos throughout the morning of Farrah and said she stopped crying as I left and was introduced to all her new friends.  And when I picked Farrah up, I watched her playing by herself in the rocks on the playground.  But when she saw me, she didn't really act like it was any different day.  She didn't have a lot of answers to my millions of questions.  Ms. Crystal (her teacher) said she was wonderful and that she didn't act like it was her first day at all, but that she joined right in with all the activities and did wonderfully.

And a photo from her second day...

I'm proud of Farrah and worried about her, too.  I know I am filled with 37-week pregnancy emotions, but parenting has shown me some of the harder emotions lately.  It's a beautiful journey, but one that continues to build me in ways I wasn't prepared for.

As far as pregnancy, at my 37 week appointment I weighed 148 lbs and my blood pressure was 102/60.  The baby's heart rate was 150.  I was feeling some lower dull back pains and the usual Braxton Hicks, but my cervix was still closed with no progression toward labor.  Today, we have 12 more days until we get to meet Augusta.  I was reminded by Amanda to enjoy these last days because it's tough when they get here as she is full of exhaustion a month after Heidi was born.  I'm really hoping Augusta is an easy baby and that I will be a better, more at-ease mother to her, and that we will easily transition into this new phase we are about to be in.

I can't wait to cuddle tightly next to Keane, to hold and rock and play with Farrah more easily, to get some exercise, and to lick the brownie batter and cookie dough.  Oh, and especially to have a nice cold beer...and having 10 weeks off work to spend with my family, in the sunshine, making memories, and honing in on peace and laughter and true contentment in life.  I'm really ready to see Farrah develop a bond with Augusta, and to know for myself how possible it is to love another child, and to still show Farrah how much I love her.

Fear and Wonderment

I am merely weeks away from meeting my second daughter.  It's really, really surreal to me.  Surreal as in...I actually still don't believe it.  This babe moves so much inside me.  So much more than her (breech) sister did.  She reminds me so very obviously and visibly that she's right there, big and strong enough to move my stomach, and I still don't know what she looks like or what it will feel like to hold her and to look at her.  I feel full of readiness.  Ready to get to know her and get to the stages of wonderment that I hear from moms having their second child, especially their second daughters.  I feel ready to be able to move without aching and to feel like myself again and not a modified, tender, and tired version of myself.

But I am also filled with guilt...and then guilt for feeling that way.  I hope that's normal.  I hope I'm not feeling fear when everyone else in this position feels nothing but pure excitement and anticipation.  I want this experience to be full of nothing but joy.  I pray that it is.

I feel guilty for how excited I was to meet Farrah and to hold her and love her, and with Augusta, I am hesitant to give my heart to another when I love Farrah so deeply and wholeheartedly.  I know it's possible to love more.  Keane tells the kids all the time that love doesn't divide, it multiples.  I know my parents love me and my brother even though I was born second and him third, while they surely loved Kimberly with all their hearts before we arrived.  I know Keane loves Kylie and Farrah even though they are not his firstborn.  Yet I can't imagine it, so I'm just waiting for the "I told you so's" and the ease of it all that is promised by those before me.

A family member just told me that once I get Farrah past us not doing everything with or for her and focus attention on her being a helpful big sister, it's the best thing watching siblings together; that it is seriously the best thing in the world.  I really want that.  I want that for Farrah.  I want that for me.  I want that for Augusta.

I hope there's not a huge ripple in our family dynamic.  I've heard there is less of that with the second child - not quite like the huge change the first child brings.

2018 Resolutions: Simplicity, Joy & Contentment

New Year's Resolutions are always fun to me.  I think it started when I was young and my parents had me and my sister write ourselves letters to open and read the following New Year's Eve.  It's fun to look back on where I was emotionally and personally a year ago.

This year, my goals are pretty simple.  They are to simplify.  To say no more.  To be still.  To do less.  To have more simplicity.

It derived from the fact that I am always on the go.  I was proud that I could finally go and Farrah would happily tag along and look forward to our many adventures, our multiple trips to several stores, and planning our days to fit in all the errands we possibly could in order to still get to our final destination in time, usually picking up the big kids from school or sports.

Christmas season got the best of me because we didn't have a lot of gift ideas going into it, so we were last-minute searching for, ordering online, and picking up at stores gifts for one and all.  It has also been tremendously cold the last couple of weeks and it is painful to go anywhere.  Plus, I'm now almost 21 weeks pregnant, with a 2 1/2 year old talkative and needy toddler, as well as two pre-teens who we proudly have much more now than we used to.

Regardless, I am exhausted.  Therefore, I am making the changes that I can.  There will still be weekly, if not daily, necessary and inevitable trips to be made, especially while the kids are in school, but I am reducing the number of times that I run to Dollar General or Walmart or any other store to pick up a few things.  I am saying no to a lot of less important things that I was happy to say yes to previously, such as picking up donuts, saying hi to this friend or that friend, or whatever else I found to do.  I am cancelling our monthly P.A.T. meetings and I am simplifying.  I need more peace and solitude, at least for this season, and in preparation for the next.

I am meal planning and hoping to get groceries weekly or biweekly, and I am going to look into the grocery store pick-up options that I have been hearing about.  I am going to buy and spend less.  I am also not going to let this year's Christmas get the best of me.  I am going to plan ahead on all things upcoming (birthdays, holidays, vacation, baby, etc.), and keep myself sane.

I am going to hone in and embrace Simplicity, Joy, and Contentment.

Bring on this new year.

Now, to recap on how I did with last year's resolutions:


1. To Appear Like I Have My Sh*t Together - I think I did pretty good about that.  I don't feel like I'm falling apart each day and at every outing.  I've been able to bring less for Farrah, and I got my hair cut shorter and simpler, and my attire is quite small so I can easily choose an outfit that I'm satisfied with.

2. Fancy Up My Home - I have not tackled any projects that I had hoped to, although, a huge project has been undertook, beginning the day after Christmas -- our basement (or soon to be downstairs)!

3. Thoroughly Embrace Motherhood - I feel good about this.  Farrah wouldn't allow me to not embrace her every waking moment anyway, ha.

4. Master Anxiety - I still don't have any time to relax, so I've learned to manage or make-do, or take advantage when the big kids are there (which is more now than it was last year).  I ask them to help me more, and I do keep up with the laundry and dishes so I'm never feeling bogged down by the mundane chores.

5. Increase my Prayer Life (Possibly Build a War Room) - I pray the same as I always have.  I don't have a special room, or time set out to pray or be with Jesus, but I talk to him and pray to him often.

6. Tap Into My Inner Child - I sing loudly in the car with all the kids which makes them laugh, or dance at home.  I try to laugh a lot and sometimes sit and play with Farrah and her baby dolls and toys.  Keane and I went on a bike ride for our anniversary, and we went roller skating for McCoy's 6th birthday party!

7. Have At Least 6 Dates with My Husband - I doubt we have gone on 6 dates, sadly.  We have went on a couple, but usually we have at least Farrah with us.

8. Be Prepared for Holidays in Advance - I did decent until Christmas.  The big kids didn't have any requests and it was so hard to come up with ideas on my own for them or our families.  I. Need. To. Do. Better. At. This.

9. Improve Work Attire - In May, I got a new job with a business casual dress code, so I was able to decrease my work attire, honestly.  It's been nice.  I can dress up a little, or dress comfortably yet cute, and it is acceptable.

10. Focus on the Happy - I do the best I can.  This age of Farrah's has made me feel the most overwhelmed.  She talks, a lot, and wants, a lot.  She always wants someone to play with her, get her more milk, answer all her millions of questions, etc.  All the while, I am working part-time, cleaning the house, preparing meals, helping with the garden, helping (or simply joining) Keane on the farm when I can, doing all the pick-ups and drop-offs, running errands and grocery shopping, sometimes for Keane's parents as well, trying to keep up with the Brooks Farm finances, making sure everyone has clean clothes, bathing and feeding and dressing and entertaining Farrah, and still somewhat taking care of myself...and it all has become a lot.

I am happy and I think I exert happiness most of the time.  But when it's the end of the day and the family is asking that I bake cookies, sometimes I just want to hide away and tell them to never ask anything of me again.  I don't though, and I usually don't make the cookies that night either.  But I try to the next chance I get, or I'll make brownies instead.  I love my life and my family and I am so very thankful for all that we have.

Finding my Heart

Growing up, I always wanted 3 or 4 children.  I loved babies and wanted a bunch of my own.  When I met my husband, he had 2 children of his own.  I still wanted 2 more, yet he only wanted 1 more.  We got married with that number still not agreed upon, and soon after we decided to try for a baby.  After trying for two months, we found out we were pregnant.  I was ecstatic.  I could not wait to embrace and experience every. single. part. of pregnancy and birthing and motherhood.

I blogged about each step of the way and happily enjoyed watching my body grow and develop and grow a child.  We fairly easily decided on a name, Farrah Oakley, and I gave birth to her by C-section on June 14, 2015, because of her breech positioning, after having my water break nonetheless.  I stayed in the hospital for 3 nights with my perfect baby girl while it rained outside and I didn't want to be anywhere else.  All I wanted to do was to be there with her, nurse her, change her diapers, and hold her.

For two years, I was so very obsessed with her.  She has been my world.  The prettiest thing to me.  We made it through her first year and I kept track of every milestone, hurting a little inside as she grew from each stage to the next.  I hated packing away her baby clothes and moving her crib down lower when she started to stand.

Her second year was even better than the first.  She was my best friend.  She dreaded days I had to take her to daycare, and never wanted to leave my side.  She started to become more independent and would sometimes ask to go to the farm with Daddy or to play with her older brother and sister, but it didn't hurt because of the way she looked for me when she returned, and how she would tell me all about her adventures.  We painted our nails together and played baby dolls together.

I continued to think about having another baby, especially when people around me got pregnant or when people asked if we were going to have any more, but when my husband and I discussed it, it never was in our plans.  I would argue my side that I thought Farrah needed a close-in-age sibling to grow up with and go to school with, and that I didn't want to be a biological mother to only one due to the fact that he had multiple children before we were married.  I wanted to experience pregnancy again and have another birthing story, another child to call me mommy.  He argued that Farrah would be fine, we could spoil her and encourage her to be and do amazing things, that she already has a brother and a sister, we didn't want to prolong the ability to have time to ourselves when the children are grown, and that he was going to be an older father which he did not want to be.

Then, we found ourselves with the unexpected news of being pregnant again when Farrah was 2 years, 3 months old.

It's what I always thought I wanted, until it was here.  It's hard to put into words the feelings I experienced but I'll try.  I was devestated.  I was embarrased.  I felt ugly, and scared, and confused.

We were finally to a place where we had money saving in the bank.  We had just gotten through Farrah's rotten baby sleepless nights and car terrors, and we were able to have an awesome family vacation just months before.  We had just the right amount of space in the vehicle with Farrah's car seat in the middle seat and a big kid on each side (even though we have an entire third row usually unused).

We had recently rearranged our working schedules and Keane was working on the farm and I found a part-time office manager position fairly close to home and really close to the kids' school and Farrah's daycare, where I could work 3 days a week and spend extra time at home with my baby girl who refers to herself as "Mama, your baby..."  I was pretty sure I was going to have to work full-time for several years now and lose that time I got with Farrah and my husband and the bigger kids during the summer months.

I didn't have health insurance and the cash price for the doctor, labor, and delivery approximated to roughly $18,000.00.  We were two months away from having our basement finished, finally, and Keane really needed a new truck.  The frame of his was broken and the air conditioner no longer worked, and he certainly needed a reliable truck.

How were we going to make this work, financially and emotionally and physically?

I hated the feelings I felt inside.  More than anything, I hated that things were going to change for Farrah.  I have held her at such a high and precious place in my heart and life and I never, ever wanted that to change.  I did not ever want her to not be my baby.  I didn't ever want to have to share less time or express less love to her because I have to give it to another child.  I never, ever wanted to even imagine a single night that I don't put Farrah to sleep like I have every night.  I didn't feel like I had room in my heart for a baby.

I feared for my relationship with my husband whom I love and cherish more than anything in this world.  He felt betrayed and angry.  He has always admitted that he's not much on babies and he's a better father to them when they are two and older.  He dreaded the stress that babies cause, and he didn't want anything to make Farrah feel less important, to not feel like our baby girl, and to not get all the attention like she had thus far.

I wished so badly I could go through pregnancy secretly.  I dreaded the size I was going to grow to and the aches and pains associated with it.  I did not want to celebrate or have a baby shower or pick out names.  It just seemed entirely different this time around.  I guess because we weren't expecting it or planning for it.  Our minds have so much power over our emotions.

When I thought to the future at all, I ached.  I wanted to hide away but life wasn't letting me.  Keane looked at me and held me and said he didn't want us to do anything that we would regret for the rest of our lives.  He texted me that we are a big family.  But I felt that worries kept covering up any hope we gained.

I needed God and peace and comfort.  The day after finding out, I was at work and I received a text message from Farrah's daycare teacher, Emily, that read: "As we get ready for lunch I heard Farrah praying, so I asked her what she was praying for and she looked up and said 'I pray for Mama.'"

I started to look online at all the families that had 4 or more children and looked to see if they had smiles on their faces and I wanted to ask them all how they felt when they had their second or their last.  Everyone seemed to just do it.

Days passed and weeks passed.  We didn't talk about the pregnancy much which made it harder.  But eventually I started getting insurance figured out and we discussed daycare options and my belly began to grow.  It became reality and I starting talking to Farrah about what if a new baby came, and she really seemed to like the idea.  At first she didn't seem to like the idea of the baby growing in my belly or that I would hold the baby when it was home.  She mentioned things like Daddy holding the baby instead of me.

After awhile though, she kept saying things like, "Mommy, I excited for new baby to come home."  She was really excited to give it a paci and hold it.  These things soothed my heart more than maybe it should have.

At 16 weeks, I am happy to say I'm more comfortable with the idea of adding another human into our lives.  I am still weary about baby nights and breastfeeding with a toddler.  We plan to have the two littles share a room in the beginning and I'm slightly nervous about that.  I don't know if I need to trade in my Traverse for a van for easier access and more room for all the kids.  I'm not sure if we can afford me working part-time, and I know by this time next year we will need to find insurance for our family.  There are still some unknowns, but I do know we will love and care for this new baby like we do for Kaden, Kylie, and for Farrah.

Farrah likes to pretend she has a baby in her belly and asks to touch and kiss my belly at times.  We talk about the baby more and I have started a baby name list.  I am okay with the next 24 weeks or so taking their time, but I'll be ready to embrace our newest baby when it arrives.

Inevitable Change

Life definitely takes us on roads unimaginable.  There are certainly chapters of life that everyone experiences.  Change is inevitable, and it can be so good.  Yet, change is incredibly hard.  That may be why we remember our high school graduations so vividly.  The feeling of it all.  It may not be because we miss those days, but it's because it was during a time we were preparing for a huge change and shift of a life we had grown accustomed to.  It was time.  It was the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next.

Relationships, homes, locations, friends, jobs, clothing, furniture, styles -- certain things have a time and a place while you are growing and changing and finding yourself.

Then you enter adulthood and things become a little more steadfast.  You find a significant other to spend your life with.  You have children that change your life forever.  You build or buy a home that you intend to live in for a rather long time, if not forever.  You decide the lifestyle you want and you make choices and changes in order to make that happen.

I worked as a Legal Assistant and then Office Manager for a very well-established law firm for 5 1/2 years.  I learned a lot about the legal system, professionalization, and work ethics.  I became relied upon and respected in my position.  I was fully confident in any task thrown my way.

Since I started working there, my nephew was born, Keane and I got engaged, married, and had a child of our own, I went part-time, and recently Keane  decided to work on the family farm and say goodbye to his almost 10-year-term as an Engineering Manager at his latest employment.  Needless to say, a significant amount has changed since I began working there.  I grew so much and throughout that time and I met some wonderful people whom I will forever call friends.

I will always be grateful for the opportunity I was given to work there, the kindness my employer showed me, the people I met, the memories made, and the wonderful work environment that I considered my second home.  Saying goodbye was tough and was hard for me to comprehend and process.  I prayed about it and considered every aspect of the change.  With mine and Keane's goal being for me to work closer to home and to not have to commute two hours each (working) day by myself driving on the interstate and in the city, I believe this change was something I was supposed to do.

Rather than working an hour from home, I found a part-time opportunity 30 minutes from home, in the same community the big kids go to school and where Farrah's daycare is, as an Office Manager.  I believe I can handle the position effectively and I am hoping it suits the life change we have chosen.

Farewell to my position, my coworkers, my boss, my desk, and my time at The Copeland Law Firm.  It will all be missed.

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day bears some difficult feelings for me this year.  Perhaps this year more than most because it's during a time of anticipation and adjustments and frustration.  Maybe it is because I've settled into the mom-groove, yet Farrah is too young to acknowledge it.  I did, however, receive some awesome Mother's Day crafts and gift (the cutest single purple and white flower in a decorated pot with butterflies on the side with wings made of Farrah's fingerprints) from Farrah through the daycare, and let me just say - I may never, ever be able to express the amount of gratitude and appreciation I feel when receiving something made by my child to me after all the times I watched my stepchildren make thing after thing for their mother and father, and it was so dear and special, and I had only wished each time that those things were made with me in mind.



The truth is, Kaden and Kylie taught me how to be a mother.  Without knowing it and without it happening so naturally as it does for moms, I became a mother to them through the years.  They never called me mom, but they do now for Farrah's sake, and sometimes I wish feelings could be seen, because it really means something special deep inside that I know they will never know.  I've said so many prayers for them, I have many hopes for them, I've watched them learn and grow, and I've laid in bed countless nights with them weighing on my mind.  I've hurt for them and I've been so proud of them.  I've laughed with them and worried about them.  They are molded into my life, and they are mine.  They may not my biological children and I am not their birth mother, but they are my stepchildren and I am their stepmom.

Although, no matter how much my heart feels about them and the fact that I learned motherhood from them, Mother's Day always comes as a reminder that I am not their "real" mom by the fact that they will always spend that day with their mother, as they should.  With the holiday this year falling on our weekend, it feels even more of a tear as they will be taken away from our limited time with them to celebrate a holiday that I wish I was celebrating with them, because they are two-thirds of our clan, over half of what makes me a mom on Mother's Day and every day. 

This year I actually had to stop for a moment and remind myself to be thankful for what I do have.  I have two great stepchildren, who have always allowed me to be the stepmom in their lives, and a little daughter who officially gave me the title "Mom" that I've felt deserving of for so long.  I am finally recognized as a mom, I am called a mom, and I feel like a mom.  I get the things made for me.  There is now an aspect of my mothering where I don't have to suppress my natural opinions and thoughts in order to not overstep my boundaries.  I have information provided to me about my child.  I get a final say, alongside her father, of course.  Maybe it's still a little surreal to me.  It is, in fact, only my second Mother's Day that I have a child with me to celebrate on Mother's Day.

I am thankful for Kaden and for Kylie.  I am thankful that I get to be a mom to them in our home and in their hearts.  I am glad that I can tell them to trim their toenails or pick up their dirty socks.  I am glad they share stories with me and give me hugs.  Being a stepmother has honestly been one of the hardest things in my entire life, but I'm thankful I have Kaden and Kylie to be the ones I get to know and love through it.  I wish there was a Step Mother's Day.



I am thankful for Farrah for blessing me with feelings I didn't understand were possible.  I believe there is a different word we should be using for our children rather than love because I love Farrah way differently and deeper and more real than I love chocolate and soda and coffee and summertime and babies and Christmas...  I am thankful I get to be in the "mom club" now.

I am thankful for my Mother-In-Law who has always treated me with the utmost respect, and who has always made me feel welcomed and loved and appreciated.  I am thankful for her wisdom and patience and all of her mothering experience and stories.  And I am thankful for the grandmother she is, to Farrah and to Kaden and Kylie.  She loves them, and all of her grandchildren, with such a full and open heart and happiness.

I am thankful for my own mother, who I know hurt through tough times raising us, and who felt pain when we were sad or hurt or confused.  I know she worried and wished for different or better or perfect things for us, and I know she wanted to protect us from all bad and scary and big and unknown and unsafe.  I know she always put us first, or sometimes even only.  I know, without a doubt, how much I am loved by her.  And that mother's love, the "I'm not going anywhere" love, ahava, is what I will give to my children, because of her.

Happy Mother's Day to new mothers who are holding their little ones thanking God for someone to call their own, to mothers going through divorce who are feeling the pain of being torn from your children, to mothers who have lost their babies and miss them every single day, to mothers of teenagers who feel they are losing touch with a child who once needed nobody but you, to mothers of stepchildren who have to say goodbye on a day that you feel is about you, to mothers who are welcoming new children as their children marry someone they love, to mothers who are adjusting to an empty nest, to mothers of pets who know what it's like to wake up way before your alarm and clean up messes that aren't yours and feed mouths who are unable to thank you and yet you love their stinkin' face to the ends of this earth, and to every woman who considers herself a mother in one form or another.

I Hope She Knows...

If something ever happens to me, I want Farrah to still know me and my heart's desires. So I hope she knows...

I seriously couldn't possibly love you more. You'll understand some day when you have a baby of your own, but it's surreal the amount of love I feel for you. You are SO perfect. I hope that you can always look in the mirror and know that your momma knew without a doubt, you are the world's most perfect girl there ever is to walk this earth.  I hope you can see in every picture of you, that your momma would see the prettiest girl she's ever imagined or ever laid eyes on. 

I love that you look like me and your dad both. I don't know why, but I was so sure you wouldn't look a thing like me, until you were born and it was obvious to me that it is inevitable - your baby looks like you. 

I hope you have my best qualities, and your dad's best qualities also. I know you'll develop your own, too, and I know they'll make you even more amazing. I hope you have my gentleness, my ability to understand and forgive, my patience, laughter, and kindness. I hope you have your dad's charm, lovability, sense of humor, hard work ethics, drive, and passion.

If I die young and your dad remarries or brings another woman into your life as a mother figure, I hope you can love and accept her. I hope she talks about me and encourages you to do the same; I hope your dad always talks positively about me and tells you the things he always loved about me and the silly stories we laughed so hard about. I hope he still shows you and tells you that he loves me, forever and ever. 

I hope you know it will make it easier for her if you look up to her, confide in her, desire to be around her, and learn from her. I hope she encourages you to be the best you can be, redirects you when you start making choices that aren't ideal, and teaches you how to be a lady, fashionable, with manners. 

I hope you thank God for me every night when you lay in bed just as I do for you, every single night. 

I hope that you take in God's beautiful earth and allow yourself to slow down and appreciate time and each phase of life that you are in. 

I hope you know that friends and boyfriends will come and go, and all that remains is you, so be the you that you want to be and love. Please be proud of yourself and don't change to accomadate to others. But please be open to changing to better yourself, and realize there is always room for improvement. Always look inside yourself first and make sure there's nothing you can do better before you complain or ask someone else to change something about them.  Always ask yourself if you are praying about something as much as you are complaining about it.  God will come through, I promise. 

You will find someone who loves you for you. Don't think that you have to search your whole life for that perfect guy, because the guy who is perfect for you may be right there, baby. 

I love you and when things get rough, talk to your dad and others in your life. Talk to your aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas. Listen to stories and remember that stories aren't just stories, but they were once the present and real time and we actually experienced those times and felt and loved and laughed and cried.

When you are down, please know that my love remains and I would have done everything in my power to be there holding you during those times, and during your times of happiness and bliss too.  When you're down, baby, get your tits up, get 'em up, get those tits right up (my favorite quote from the movie Bad Moms)!

When you were a baby, loud music really soothed you, whether it be in the car or when I'd rock you and sing lullabies very loudly. So turn up the music and belt it out. Listen to records and appreciate the music. 

When others don't completely agree with your choice of boyfriend or friend or opinion, chances are I would encourage you to explore and make up your mind, encouraging you make the best decision in the end.  Please be open to the idea that the reason you feel like nobody else understands or agrees, may be because they have experienced the wrong decision before, or because they can see something that you cannot, or see it from a different perspective, so please be willing to hear what they are saying and take a moment to consider that they may know better, as hard as that may be to accept.

Your Aunt Kimberly already asked if she can be there when you are picking out your prom dress and planning for your wedding and having babies.  She probably knows me more than anyone and she would be an amazing person to be there with you, by your side, loving you all the way.

I love you, Farrah Oakley. You are my pride and joy. You are the answer to all my prayers. You be you, baby.

My 2017 New Year's Resolutions

My 2017 New Year's Resolutions:

1. To Appear Like I Have My Sh*t Together

We'll see how long this one holds up, but you know those moms who appear to have their sh*t together?  Their clothes are all clean and wrinkle-free, they smell nice, their makeup looks great, their hair is cute and clean, they have a smile on their face, and they have one little purse or bag that has everything they need in it...no matter the number, age, gender, or mood of their children.  I'm not usually that mom.  I am dropping paci's, looking for Lambie, stuffing receipts back into my purse, and digging for hopefully one single penny for my daughter to put into the money slot at the checkout line.  I thought trying to have my sh*t together may be a little harder than just appearing like I do, so we'll start with that.

2. Fancy Up My Home 

I want to always update and decorate our home until we are happy everywhere we look, and I'm not to that point yet.  If I set goals, I'm more likely to get things done, rather than if I just generally decide to do something.  So, my first goal is to paint and decorate our Master Bathroom, and I'm really excited about it!

3. Thoroughly Embrace Motherhood

I've done a really great job so far with this.  As Farrah is getting older, her demands are changing, she hollars for me the moment I leave her side (she's the Stewie Griffin who hollars "Mama, Maaammma, Mom, Ma, Mama...), she knows exactly what she wants and needs it at that moment, i.e. play with the water in the sink, take the lid off the sippy cup so she can play with it, take off the baby doll's jammies, etc. etc. etc, I have to remember sometimes to get back into the mindset to stop worrying about the few dirty pots and pans that can wait to be washed and spend time with my daughter.

(Keane embracing fatherhood.  He swings her longer than he wants to swing her, she tosses her up more than he wants to toss her up, because she loves it and these are the moments that we'll miss the most.)

4. Master Anxiety

My goal is to stay on top of stress.  To not let it prevail.  If I begin to feel stressed because I really do want to wash the dishes in that moment, when the house keeps creating a mess of its own somehow, when my schedule seems to have me on the road more than at home or with my family, or when we are out of groceries and making a meal plan or a simple meal for that matter seems exhausting, I need to find a way to relax whether it is to take a hot bath, read a book, watch a movie, or have my own quiet time.

(perhaps some ice cream will do)

5. Increase my Prayer Life (Possibly Build a War Room)

I read the book and watched the movie War Room recently.  I have also been encouraged by my sister a lot to really improve my prayer life, and I have a lot of improvements that can be made from the mere bedtime prayers I try to pray each day.

6. Tap Into My Inner Child

I never want to lose my sense of wonder.  I am vowing to do some things that bring out the child-like laughter and spirit in me.  I want to go on an adventure, have a movie night in a fort, jump on a trampoline for hours, camp out on the trampoline, go for a bike ride, or perhaps go roller skating!

(a cute picture, just because)

7. Have At Least 6 Dates with My Husband

Once every other month, at the very least, is not too much to ask.  We really enjoy our time together.

8. Be Prepared for Holidays in Advance

It seems like each year, I am always telling myself that next year I want to be more prepared for the holidays, specifically Christmas and birthdays.  I can't handle last minute planning or shopping, and I want to have gifts purchased a month or more in advance.

9. Improve Work Attire

Simple, yet important.  I specifically need new work coats/jackets and hope that a little at a time, I can improve my collection of professional work attire.

10. Focus on the Happy

Sometimes life feels stressful, and I want to remember to focus on the good.  We oftentimes have to share holidays and weeks and weekends with the big kids going between our home and their moms, and we drive and arrive to their schooling, sports, or social events without them and/or leave without them, or we miss out on important things they aren't able to tell us right away or aren't sure how to, but I want to embrace what we do have: the times that we do have with them is special and we always make efforts to do fun things, have projects, work hard, earn money, make memories, play games, and have good quality family time.  I want to focus on those things.

 

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We celebrated my family's Christmas on Saturday (New Year's Eve).  I had a great time giving and receiving gifts (I got a letterboard, dustbuster, baked goods and a sleeping-bag style blanket made by my momma, a gift card, socks, and a toothbrush from my parents and brother, and a cocker spaniel ornament with Tanner's name and years engraved, a paid haircut and color, Glennon Doyle Melton's second book, and a makeup eraser from my sister and her family), enjoying a delicious and beautiful brunch hosted by my momma, and then some of us played the Escape Room board game (Kimberly gave to Kollin, and my parents gave to Kimberly!).  Then we ventured to our home to bring in the new year.  My brother spent the holiday with his girlfriend, Brooke, but then he joined us afterwards since we stayed up playing Cards Against Humanity until about 3:00am!  We shot off a potato gun after midnight, and we all hugged and clinked our glasses, and happily welcomed 2017.  Farrah even was awake to bring in the new year; however, McCoy feel asleep about 45 minutes before midnight.