It's A...

Our "gender reveal" was much different than before.  With Farrah, we paid a little extra money to have an earlier ultrasound to find out her gender.  We drove to the doctor's office unknowing and guessing, and left with thoughts of a baby girl joining our family.

This time, by the time we got in to see the doctor, we were already 12 weeks along, and the 8 weeks until our anatomy scan didn't seem that far away.  When I went home and told Keane we were offered the Progenity Verifi Test which tests for several chromosomal abnormalities, Keane wanted us to do it right away (not for the sake of finding out the gender, however, the gender chromosome is tested as well, so that is a perk of having this test done).

I went in as soon as possible to get my blood drawn and 9 days later, I received a call from my doctor.  She told me that everything on the test came back negative, and together we decided on a plan for the gender results.  I wanted Keane with me when we found out the news.  We decided that she would call me back and I wouldn't answer, and she would leave me a voicemail.  Keane was on the farm but I called him right away and he came home to listen to the anticipated message.  We both put in an earbud so Farrah wouldn't hear, and we listened: Hey!  It's Dr. Morse.  Just calling to let you know that you're having a girl.  Congratulations.  Bye.

That was that.  I quickly processed that I wouldn't ever have a son of my own, but happily accepted that I would have another girl whom we already had girl things for such as clothes and toys, and that Farrah would grow up with a sister nearly three years younger than her.

I wanted to come up with a creative way to tell the kids, so I went to Walmart, bought black balloons, different shades of pink paint, and a canvas.  I set it all up that evening and we woke the kids up early the next cold and frosty morning of Kylie's 12th birthday, and we all went outside so the kids could shoot their bow and arrows at the balloons.

After Kylie figured out she was holding her bow completely upside down, and that the release strap was not buckled, they finally shot at the canvas.  I think Kylie lost her arrow, but because the balloons weren't filled with quite enough paint, when Kaden knicked the first balloon, just a little paint was exposed.  They both looked closely and Kaden slightly disappointedly announced, "pink?"  

We are having another girl!  Our family now consists of 2 boys and 4 girls!  We are excited to meet you, new daughter.  You will fit in just perfectly.

Finding my Heart

Growing up, I always wanted 3 or 4 children.  I loved babies and wanted a bunch of my own.  When I met my husband, he had 2 children of his own.  I still wanted 2 more, yet he only wanted 1 more.  We got married with that number still not agreed upon, and soon after we decided to try for a baby.  After trying for two months, we found out we were pregnant.  I was ecstatic.  I could not wait to embrace and experience every. single. part. of pregnancy and birthing and motherhood.

I blogged about each step of the way and happily enjoyed watching my body grow and develop and grow a child.  We fairly easily decided on a name, Farrah Oakley, and I gave birth to her by C-section on June 14, 2015, because of her breech positioning, after having my water break nonetheless.  I stayed in the hospital for 3 nights with my perfect baby girl while it rained outside and I didn't want to be anywhere else.  All I wanted to do was to be there with her, nurse her, change her diapers, and hold her.

For two years, I was so very obsessed with her.  She has been my world.  The prettiest thing to me.  We made it through her first year and I kept track of every milestone, hurting a little inside as she grew from each stage to the next.  I hated packing away her baby clothes and moving her crib down lower when she started to stand.

Her second year was even better than the first.  She was my best friend.  She dreaded days I had to take her to daycare, and never wanted to leave my side.  She started to become more independent and would sometimes ask to go to the farm with Daddy or to play with her older brother and sister, but it didn't hurt because of the way she looked for me when she returned, and how she would tell me all about her adventures.  We painted our nails together and played baby dolls together.

I continued to think about having another baby, especially when people around me got pregnant or when people asked if we were going to have any more, but when my husband and I discussed it, it never was in our plans.  I would argue my side that I thought Farrah needed a close-in-age sibling to grow up with and go to school with, and that I didn't want to be a biological mother to only one due to the fact that he had multiple children before we were married.  I wanted to experience pregnancy again and have another birthing story, another child to call me mommy.  He argued that Farrah would be fine, we could spoil her and encourage her to be and do amazing things, that she already has a brother and a sister, we didn't want to prolong the ability to have time to ourselves when the children are grown, and that he was going to be an older father which he did not want to be.

Then, we found ourselves with the unexpected news of being pregnant again when Farrah was 2 years, 3 months old.

It's what I always thought I wanted, until it was here.  It's hard to put into words the feelings I experienced but I'll try.  I was devestated.  I was embarrased.  I felt ugly, and scared, and confused.

We were finally to a place where we had money saving in the bank.  We had just gotten through Farrah's rotten baby sleepless nights and car terrors, and we were able to have an awesome family vacation just months before.  We had just the right amount of space in the vehicle with Farrah's car seat in the middle seat and a big kid on each side (even though we have an entire third row usually unused).

We had recently rearranged our working schedules and Keane was working on the farm and I found a part-time office manager position fairly close to home and really close to the kids' school and Farrah's daycare, where I could work 3 days a week and spend extra time at home with my baby girl who refers to herself as "Mama, your baby..."  I was pretty sure I was going to have to work full-time for several years now and lose that time I got with Farrah and my husband and the bigger kids during the summer months.

I didn't have health insurance and the cash price for the doctor, labor, and delivery approximated to roughly $18,000.00.  We were two months away from having our basement finished, finally, and Keane really needed a new truck.  The frame of his was broken and the air conditioner no longer worked, and he certainly needed a reliable truck.

How were we going to make this work, financially and emotionally and physically?

I hated the feelings I felt inside.  More than anything, I hated that things were going to change for Farrah.  I have held her at such a high and precious place in my heart and life and I never, ever wanted that to change.  I did not ever want her to not be my baby.  I didn't ever want to have to share less time or express less love to her because I have to give it to another child.  I never, ever wanted to even imagine a single night that I don't put Farrah to sleep like I have every night.  I didn't feel like I had room in my heart for a baby.

I feared for my relationship with my husband whom I love and cherish more than anything in this world.  He felt betrayed and angry.  He has always admitted that he's not much on babies and he's a better father to them when they are two and older.  He dreaded the stress that babies cause, and he didn't want anything to make Farrah feel less important, to not feel like our baby girl, and to not get all the attention like she had thus far.

I wished so badly I could go through pregnancy secretly.  I dreaded the size I was going to grow to and the aches and pains associated with it.  I did not want to celebrate or have a baby shower or pick out names.  It just seemed entirely different this time around.  I guess because we weren't expecting it or planning for it.  Our minds have so much power over our emotions.

When I thought to the future at all, I ached.  I wanted to hide away but life wasn't letting me.  Keane looked at me and held me and said he didn't want us to do anything that we would regret for the rest of our lives.  He texted me that we are a big family.  But I felt that worries kept covering up any hope we gained.

I needed God and peace and comfort.  The day after finding out, I was at work and I received a text message from Farrah's daycare teacher, Emily, that read: "As we get ready for lunch I heard Farrah praying, so I asked her what she was praying for and she looked up and said 'I pray for Mama.'"

I started to look online at all the families that had 4 or more children and looked to see if they had smiles on their faces and I wanted to ask them all how they felt when they had their second or their last.  Everyone seemed to just do it.

Days passed and weeks passed.  We didn't talk about the pregnancy much which made it harder.  But eventually I started getting insurance figured out and we discussed daycare options and my belly began to grow.  It became reality and I starting talking to Farrah about what if a new baby came, and she really seemed to like the idea.  At first she didn't seem to like the idea of the baby growing in my belly or that I would hold the baby when it was home.  She mentioned things like Daddy holding the baby instead of me.

After awhile though, she kept saying things like, "Mommy, I excited for new baby to come home."  She was really excited to give it a paci and hold it.  These things soothed my heart more than maybe it should have.

At 16 weeks, I am happy to say I'm more comfortable with the idea of adding another human into our lives.  I am still weary about baby nights and breastfeeding with a toddler.  We plan to have the two littles share a room in the beginning and I'm slightly nervous about that.  I don't know if I need to trade in my Traverse for a van for easier access and more room for all the kids.  I'm not sure if we can afford me working part-time, and I know by this time next year we will need to find insurance for our family.  There are still some unknowns, but I do know we will love and care for this new baby like we do for Kaden, Kylie, and for Farrah.

Farrah likes to pretend she has a baby in her belly and asks to touch and kiss my belly at times.  We talk about the baby more and I have started a baby name list.  I am okay with the next 24 weeks or so taking their time, but I'll be ready to embrace our newest baby when it arrives.

Farrah's 2 Year Photos

These are just some of my favorites of Farrah's 2 Year photos we took in June!  These were taken by Lisa @ Snowfall Designs Photography.  We had to reschedule once because Farrah had scratched my cornea and I had to go to the eye doctor and I received an eye drop that overstimulated my eye and it was nearly impossible to keep my eyes open to drive, plus because of my eye doctor appointment that day, Farrah had missed her nap.  Anyway, the day we did get the photos taken, she was still being quite stubborn, but the photos still turned out adorably, and very Farrah.

Meeting Santa Claus!

Farrah and Kylie met Santa Claus!  He was visiting at my work and me and the girls went to go meet him.  I never know how Farrah will react.  Last year she cried when seeing Santa so I expected the same.  However, Farrah acted like...well, like she was meeting Santa and it was beautiful to me.  She was truly excited, happy to be wearing her Santa Claus dress and black boots with her hair up and pretty bows in it.  She asked to put on her red lipstick before we left home.  She kept singing, "Santa Claus is coming to town" and asking me to sing it.

The whole way there Farrah was happy and excited.  There wasn't a line so we got to see Santa right away.  Farrah sat on Kylie's lap right next to Santa and Farrah's eyes just gleamed with excitement.  It was really him.  Santa Claus!  He asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she shyly shrugged her shoulders.  He asked if she liked princesses and babies, and said he would bring her some of those.

Ever since meeting Santa, Farrah will tell you that Santa is bringing her a baby.  She got a plush Christmas toy after meeting Santa and at first picked a monkey with a Santa hat that was at the top of the stack.  A little later she announced, "I not want this monkey no more.  I want a Santa."  I hadn't even seen a Santa when we first looked, but sure enough, Mrs. Claus helped us find a plush Santa - a perfect reminder of Farrah meeting the real Santa Claus!

It makes my heart smile, the whole experience.  Seeing Farrah's face when she saw Santa sitting in a Christmas-decorated room full of lights and Christmas spirit, waiting to speak directly to her.  She didn't take her eyes off him and she gleamed with pride the entire time we were there.

It truly is a very Merry Christmas this year.

Merry Christmas from the Brooks Family!

Dear Baby - 17 Weeks

Dear Baby,

Your daddy and I discussed in bed this morning how our favorite place to be is warm and cuddled up in our bed together with the kids all tucked and sleeping soundly in their bed.  Your daddy also mentioned you, baby girl, and he rubbed my belly and said he can't wait to meet you.  It really warmed my heart.  I feel the same way.  It's hard to imagine what another girl will look like.  Will you look just like your sister?  When Farrah was born she looked just like me, and now she looks just like Daddy.  Will you have light brown hair and blue grey eyes, too?

Names are harder this time.  My two favorites were Scarlet and Indiana "Indie" Joy, but your dad vetoed Scarlet and wasn't sure about Indie.  Then we had a family discussion about names but it only discouraged me.  The kids came up with name suggestions like Macy, Malia, Kyla, Martha, and many others, even Balsy...?  Ha!

So, we are far from choosing a name at this point.  It has to be the right name, the perfect fit.

Farrah likes to talk about " the new baby."  She wanted you to have a pink piggy like hers so we bought you one.  She also pretends that you want her things sometimes and tells me to tell you no, that they are Farrah's things.  I have to reassure her that she will still have dominance and importance after you arrive.

I have to pee all. the. time.  I don't remember being quite that way last time, especially at this stage.  I am starting to feel more comfortable showing my belly, or realizing I can't cover it much longer.  I'm looking forward to your ultrasound in 3 weeks, and I have some plans in mind to spruce up Farrah's bedroom to make it more ready for you to join her.

You got a good dose of laughter last night.  I laughed so hard at your three siblings that my stomach muscles ached.  Farrah was basically fake crying when it was bedtime and was sitting on Daddy's lap rubbing the items on his tshirt, so he started doing the same thing back to her.  Kaden was laying on the floor and started to join in with a fake cry, and eventually Farrah said, "Taden, we rubbing our shirts.  You rub your shirt."  Kaden continued a loud fake cry while rubbing his shirt.  Before long, Kylie who was sitting on the couch, started fake crying as well.  This went on for so long, while the fake cries got louder and more obnoxious.  I laugh each time I replay it all in my mind. 

Keep calm and grow on healthily, baby girl.

Second Time Around (up to 16 Weeks)

Things are very different this time around; however, I have been dealing with all the similar things I was last time I believe.  At around 7 weeks pregnant, if I don't suck in, I already look pregnant.  I am extremely bloated and once I have a couple bites of food, I am stuffed!

I have extremely sore breasts.  It don't mean that they're more tender than normal, but they hurt in a way that I did not want to even think about touching them.  Also, nausea.  Almost every day, and pretty much all day.  Knock on wood, it subsided starting at 7 weeks.

A lot of food sounds terrible, at different times.  My mind drifts to food often, but very seldom can I think of a food that sounds good.  I have been drinking water, milk, and tea only, and finding the one thing that sounds decent to eat when I can.

I have been craving salads, broccoli, green beans, and mashed potatoes and gravy.

My starting weight was 120 lbs.  I am fluctuating between 118-120 lbs. currently.  At 12 weeks, I am 120-122 lbs. and I certainly have a little stomach that I cannot hide, even if I suck in.

I have been extremely tired through this pregnancy, wishful that my energy will return in the second trimester, and hopefully remain.  It's hard to feel up to playing with Farrah, but I'm finally able to feel like myself for the most part, just very ready for bed each evening.

Without insurance, I was extremely stressed.  I began by seeing what options we had through the Marketplace.  When I submitted my application online, it was automatically transferred to Mo Health Net to see if we were approved for Medicare for Pregnant Women.  We weren't, but my application was then sent to see if we qualified for Show Me Healthy Babies, and after weeks of deadlines and documents sent and phone calls made and getting proof of pregnancy and copies of everyone's birth certificates and documentation on the big kids school, etc., we were accepted!  This program is new and covers all costs that promote a healthy baby, pregnancy, and delivery!

I was finally able to get into the doctor feeling confident about finances.  When I called the doctor's office saying I was (to my calculations) over 12 weeks, they wanted to see me right away and I was scheduled for the following day.

I weighed 122 lbs and my blood pressure was 106/62.  I got to see the baby through ultrasound but forgot what the heart rate was.

At 15 weeks, I can't even suck in my belly if I try.  I think I look closer to last time's 17 or 18 weeks!  I have a tightening at the top of my stomach that my doctor said was far too high to be my uterus and may be a ligament stretching.

At 16 weeks, I feel huge.  I feel like I look huge.  Wearing sweatshirts and hoodies are starting to not even hide the belly any longer, and I am so ready to put on comfortable clothes as soon as I get home.  I am able to eat normally for the most part, trying hard to focus on healthier eating like fruits and veggies and no processed meats, plus a lot of water.

We are almost halfway there and I don't feel like there's nearly as much to prepare for this time around besides getting a crib for the baby (either Farrah's and get her a toddler bed or borrow my mom's crib for the baby) and some baby clothes since we gave all of Farrah's first year clothes to a niece and friend of mine.

164 days until our due date!

 

(13 weeks)

(15 weeks)

(16 weeks)

Sharing the News (Baby #2)

At four weeks along, your dad and I found out about you.  We were a little scared and confused about how another person will fit into our family.  There is no doubt that we have the capability to love and care for you, but an adjustment indeed.

We wanted to wait to tell people about you until after we went to the doctor.  However, we had a long road ahead of us regarding insurance before I felt comfortable going to the doctor.  Without having to work more (and pay out more) to get insurance through work, I applied for insurance through Missouri Health Net (Medicare).  We did not qualify.  We attempted to get Medicare for Pregnant Women...our household income was too high.  However, we finally were approved for Show Me Healthy Babies, a Missouri program through Missouri Health Net that covers anything that promotes a healthy pregnancy and baby!

We were finally able to call the doctor for an appointment, and they wanted to see me right away, as soon as the next day!  We were 12 weeks, 5 days at that time.  However, you measured 6 days ahead.  We got a few photos of you (the ultrasound tech was not the best), and heard your heartbeat!

I felt much better after getting into the doctor.  She let me know that she would agree to a regular delivery if you were in the correct position if I wanted to.  I don't think I want to risk it.  I am perfectly okay with another c-section, at this point in time at least.

We scheduled a regular check-up appointment in 4 weeks, and our 20-week ultrasound 8 weeks out!

The next step was to share the news!  Farrah was starting to say things at daycare about a "new baby coming home," so we thought we better tell the kids before they found out through the grapevine.  Keane just casually told them one evening, "You're going to be a big brother and sister again."  They didn't believe us, at all.  They continued on with whatever they were saying before.  I went and got the ultrasound photo and handed it to Kylie.  She said it was Farrah's.  When they finally studied the date, they were in shock.  As soon as it sunk it, they started to show their excitement, and truly excited they were!

I baked several dozen oatmeal cookies that day and on the following day, I took both our parents a plate of cookies, with a secret message written on the plate, and the ultrasound photo taped to the bottom!

These may have been some of the most anxious days!  I took them the cookies on Thursday and Karen finally called me on Saturday after finding the message on the plate, and my parents called me on Sunday afternoon when my mom was flipping the plate over to put the remaining cookies onto the plastic wrap to wash the plate to return when she saw the ultrasound photo!  It was a fun way to share the news; I just wish I would have made a more popular cookie or put less on the plate!

The following Thursday was Thanksgiving so I ordered shirts for the three kids to wear to share the news.  I had them put them on while everyone was eating and act casual.  People started noticing slowly and my Aunt Kathy saw Farrah's shirt that said "Big Sister" and said "Awww, look at your shirt----Huhhh!!! Ahh!"  It was fun!

We let all of our close friends and family know and then shared photos of the kids in their shirts on Facebook.

And that is the first step of many in sharing this new adventure in our lives!