The Best Sister Transition

Farrah has adjusted perfectly...just perfectly.  Almost too perfectly if that makes any sense at all.  She was such a big girl during the hospital portion of Augusta's birth.  She happily left when it was time to go, she packed a tote bag full of her favorite things and told me she would see me later and told her Daddy let's go.  She walked all the way to the truck carrying her bag like a big girl, getting a lot of compliments from passerbys, enjoyed "tacos" (breakfast burritos) with Daddy, and headed to the farm for the day.  She told her Daddy she missed me and he explained that was totally normal and that he missed me too.  She returned and was so excited to see me and to hold her new baby sister once again.

Now that we're home, she absolutely loves to hold her "new baby sister."  All throughout the day, she'll ask, "Can I give her another hug and kiss, Mommy?"  And she carefully gives her a kiss on the cheek or forehead, and then lays her head onto her chest for a hug.  She'll ask to hold her new baby sister or when I offer for her to, she gets giddy with excitement, finds a place to sit, and stretches her arms out for her.

This video of Farrah meeting her new baby sister for the very first time is literally a tear-jerker for me.  It makes me feel ashamed of my fears and worries.  It makes me so damn proud of Farrah.  It makes me see firsthand what true and unconditional love is.



She literally adores her new baby sister.  She oftentimes asks if she can go check on her new baby sister.  She'll laugh when Augusta's leg is stretched out funny and ask if she can put it back for me.  Farrah will uncover Augusta's arm and she'll look at me and say, "I uncovered her arm for you, Mommy."

Farrah has been watching Caillou a lot lately, and Caillou says "Mommy" all the time when he is talking to his mother, so Farrah has been doing it too and my heart just loves and cherishes it.

Farrah held Augusta for probably 10 minutes and then said, "I'm tired, Mommy.  I want you to take her out of my arms now.  Can I give her a hug and kiss, Mommy?"

Baby blues keep popping in from time to time.  I'm hopeful it's just this first week of hormones adjusting back to normal.  I have to almost not think about some things that touch my heart so deeply, like the way my baby girl turned into a big girl and a big sister and holds nothing back.  And holds absolutely nothing against me or Augusta for any of it.  She just jumped right in to big sister status, something I can't even relate to.  I'm so proud of her that it hurts me. 

As I am sitting here on my bed right now while both girls are taking a nap with Grey's Anatomy paused on the TV, Farrah's door opened and I heard her go pee in her little potty.  I expected her to come find me, but instead I heard her door shut again.  I can't hardly handle her growing up on me like this.  I went in to check on her and she was laying back down in bed covering herself up to go back to sleep.  She asked, "Where were you, Mommy?"  I told her in my bed.  "Feeding Augusta?"  I told her that she is sleeping too.  "When she wakes up from her nap, can I hug her and kiss her and hold her, Mommy?"  I told her that she can.  "Thank you, Mommy," she says.  I patted her butt and she fell right back to sleep.  I think my heart may burst from all the love and happy feelings I have rapidly growing inside me. 

Welcome Augusta Joy

 Augusta Joy has joined our family and we couldn't be more proud and in love. More information will come!

38 Weeks

The most pregnant I've ever been.  Today I am 38 weeks, 5 days along.  I had Farrah at 38 weeks, 2 days.  I was nervous each time I got up to pee the night before I was 38 weeks, 2 days, thinking my water would break just the same as before.  I went to my appointment on Monday and was told I was 2.5 cm dilated.  My doctor said that was a pretty big jump.  She also said I was spotting.  She said, "It's fair game any day now."  My doctor won't be on-call this weekend, but will be there throughout the week.  She said the head feels down and the baby's heart rate was 154.  I weighed in at 150.2 lbs, and my blood pressure was 102/82.  She gave me the okay to take Claritin for allergies and let me know it was personal preference as far as bringing Farrah with us the morning of the C-section, if no baby has arrived prior to next Monday.

It's strange knowing these are my last days being pregnant, ever.  I want to remember and embrace each internal (and external) movement of the child in my womb, but at the same time, I am extremely ready to have my body back.  I have slowed down to the extreme.

I can't wait to run.  To hop on the four wheeler and go.  To be fun and energetic.  To be able to get up and down off the floor easily.  To chase Farrah through the house, or give her a horsey ride down the hall.  To not have to groan and wonder how I'll ever pick up the dropped chip or item of laundry that I dropped or see on the floor.

So...I'm ready.  I'm ready to hold Augusta in my arms, to look at her, and to adjust to our new and final "This is Us."

My mom brought out Augusta's crib, and it looks wonderful in Farrah's room.  Farrah has been loving playing in the crib with her babies, and she even napped in it over the weekend.  My little girl who is about to become a big sister.  That is something I never was...until the age of 13 when I was in a much different phase of life.  I think she's going to be amazing.  I know she will be.

I have been feeling lower back aches and some headaches, as well as having an increased amount of nausea and indigestion the last few days.  And pressure.  That's the pressure I keep hearing about.  When I get up or walk, I feel the pressure.

I am hoping I go into labor anytime between now and Saturday.  It would be great timing since we have the kids through Sunday morning, and frankly, I'm tired and exhausted and ready and full of lack of motivation.  My bags are packed and the car seat is installed.  It's really just a 4-day wait for me at this point.  Aside from Kylie's band concert and Kaden's baseball practice tonight, Keane wanting to go get our downstairs doors from Menards and take Kaden's buck to the taxidermist this weekend, plans to hang out at our lake Saturday in the projected 93 degree weather, and the fact that my mom and sister are both off work on Monday, tonight or tomorrow would be ideal.

Work celebrated me and our upcoming baby with a shout-out at the elementary's morning assembly, cupcakes, and adorable gifts consisting of a hooded towel, a crocheted hat and bloomer set, and a toy!

37 Weeks

At times, I think I'm the most uncomfortable pregnant woman to walk this earth.  Then I remind myself that I'm likely not.  However, my body is hurting, aching.  My skin is stretching and the skin on my stomach literally hurts from it.  Augusta pokes her little feet (or whatever) out and I can see it and see it move and feel it, and although it's cute and sweet, and extremely facinating, it hurts.

I can't walk without waddling, like a lot.  I can't get up and down easily.  If I sit on the floor, I actually need help to get up.  I can't fit in much of my clothes.  And on top of it all, I came down with a cold and I am entirely congested and then the drainage makes me cough.  It's annoying, and it prevents me from having a good night's sleep, which I really feel is needed lately.

I have been extremely emotional and when I told my doctor about it (and then started crying...again), she said it's likely due to a lack of sleep and she told me to take some Benadryl and try to get some rest.

Last week we received an email from the daycare we planned on switching Farrah to in the fall that they had an opening for her for these next two weeks.  With so very much hesitation on my part, we decided it was a good choice to go ahead and switch Farrah.  The perks:  Katie wouldn't have to take Farrah for the last remaining four trips and the stress that entails with Farrah's emotions and extra stuff to carry and leaving the car seat at the daycare, I would save myself three trips from Auxvasse in the evenings, it would save us $30 (it ended up being $10 after paying an enrollment fee), and it would give us a good trial run of how we felt and how Farrah handled the new daycare.

I'm not sure how to say this, but I felt like this transition was one of the hardest I have ever had to encounter.  I struggled severely with it.  Firstly, within one day, I had to let Farrah's current daycare know that the following day would be her last.  I sent and received several kindhearted messages about their care, and about their thoughts on Farrah.  The next day (her last day), was made special by Ms. Miah.  It started with peanut and peanut butter M&M's, all her friends and teachers made her a 'We'll miss you' card, Ms. Miah fixed her hair beautifully, and she sent me several beautiful photos of Farrah and of Farrah with her friends.  I cried throughout the day, and I cried when I picked her up and took all of her remaining items home from there, when Farrah saw her name tag removed from her mail drawer and asked me to put it back on, and when Ms. Marina was telling us bye.  I couldn't even speak.  I hid behind my sunglasses and did all that I could to not let Farrah see that there was any sadness related to this change.

Other recent pics from daycare...

I thought that was going to be the hardest part, but it wasn't.  On Monday, I decided to swing by Farrah's new daycare to have her meet her teachers and to pick up the required paperwork.  We showed up at lunchtime and all the kids were friendly and told Farrah hi!  Farrah stood as close to me as she could.  Then we went upstairs to look at her room and surroundings and talk a little with her new teacher, and I had the hardest time.  I was saddened by things like her not having a cubby yet, the stark difference from the environment we were used to, the completely different classroom set up, etc.  I was worried for Farrah to notice these differences and feel uncomfortable. 

However, I learned so much by watching her, which is what probably hurt me the most.

She's always been our fearful, timid child.  She clings on to me and never wants to let go.  This day, she was braver than I was.  She was completely and utterly trusting.  Trusting in me, trusting in this change, and trusting in her daycare and providers.  She didn't judge all the little things like I was doing.  She was simply living in the moment. 

She saw a toy purple castle while we were standing there and asked if she could play with it.  I asked her teacher if there were some little dolls that go with it, and her teacher dug around in a plastic box and couldn't find any.  Instead, she gave Farrah two My Little Ponies along with three zoo animals which included a tiger, bear, and a kangaroo.  I was disappointed for her in that moment that the pretty purple castle didn't have the correct inhabitants, but I watched Farrah play with those items just like they belonged there.  (It bothered me so badly that I bought three little princess dolls that evening for her to take with her to play with in the castle!)

Farrah showed me complete versatility.  She showed me acceptance.  She showed me a side of her that was new to me and a little scary to me.

When I dropped her off on her first day, kids were chanting her name cheerfully.  We took her items to her cubby upstairs that now had her name written on a purple butterfly, I tried sitting with her at the breakfast table but she didn't want to eat, I showed her the playground outside, and then Kirsten (the director) asked if she wanted to wave to me out the window (which is what we always did at "Abe Charley's) so she agreed to it. 

Kirsten sent two photos throughout the morning of Farrah and said she stopped crying as I left and was introduced to all her new friends.  And when I picked Farrah up, I watched her playing by herself in the rocks on the playground.  But when she saw me, she didn't really act like it was any different day.  She didn't have a lot of answers to my millions of questions.  Ms. Crystal (her teacher) said she was wonderful and that she didn't act like it was her first day at all, but that she joined right in with all the activities and did wonderfully.

And a photo from her second day...

I'm proud of Farrah and worried about her, too.  I know I am filled with 37-week pregnancy emotions, but parenting has shown me some of the harder emotions lately.  It's a beautiful journey, but one that continues to build me in ways I wasn't prepared for.

As far as pregnancy, at my 37 week appointment I weighed 148 lbs and my blood pressure was 102/60.  The baby's heart rate was 150.  I was feeling some lower dull back pains and the usual Braxton Hicks, but my cervix was still closed with no progression toward labor.  Today, we have 12 more days until we get to meet Augusta.  I was reminded by Amanda to enjoy these last days because it's tough when they get here as she is full of exhaustion a month after Heidi was born.  I'm really hoping Augusta is an easy baby and that I will be a better, more at-ease mother to her, and that we will easily transition into this new phase we are about to be in.

I can't wait to cuddle tightly next to Keane, to hold and rock and play with Farrah more easily, to get some exercise, and to lick the brownie batter and cookie dough.  Oh, and especially to have a nice cold beer...and having 10 weeks off work to spend with my family, in the sunshine, making memories, and honing in on peace and laughter and true contentment in life.  I'm really ready to see Farrah develop a bond with Augusta, and to know for myself how possible it is to love another child, and to still show Farrah how much I love her.

Fear and Wonderment

I am merely weeks away from meeting my second daughter.  It's really, really surreal to me.  Surreal as in...I actually still don't believe it.  This babe moves so much inside me.  So much more than her (breech) sister did.  She reminds me so very obviously and visibly that she's right there, big and strong enough to move my stomach, and I still don't know what she looks like or what it will feel like to hold her and to look at her.  I feel full of readiness.  Ready to get to know her and get to the stages of wonderment that I hear from moms having their second child, especially their second daughters.  I feel ready to be able to move without aching and to feel like myself again and not a modified, tender, and tired version of myself.

But I am also filled with guilt...and then guilt for feeling that way.  I hope that's normal.  I hope I'm not feeling fear when everyone else in this position feels nothing but pure excitement and anticipation.  I want this experience to be full of nothing but joy.  I pray that it is.

I feel guilty for how excited I was to meet Farrah and to hold her and love her, and with Augusta, I am hesitant to give my heart to another when I love Farrah so deeply and wholeheartedly.  I know it's possible to love more.  Keane tells the kids all the time that love doesn't divide, it multiples.  I know my parents love me and my brother even though I was born second and him third, while they surely loved Kimberly with all their hearts before we arrived.  I know Keane loves Kylie and Farrah even though they are not his firstborn.  Yet I can't imagine it, so I'm just waiting for the "I told you so's" and the ease of it all that is promised by those before me.

A family member just told me that once I get Farrah past us not doing everything with or for her and focus attention on her being a helpful big sister, it's the best thing watching siblings together; that it is seriously the best thing in the world.  I really want that.  I want that for Farrah.  I want that for me.  I want that for Augusta.

I hope there's not a huge ripple in our family dynamic.  I've heard there is less of that with the second child - not quite like the huge change the first child brings.