I can't walk without waddling, like a lot. I can't get up and down easily. If I sit on the floor, I actually need help to get up. I can't fit in much of my clothes. And on top of it all, I came down with a cold and I am entirely congested and then the drainage makes me cough. It's annoying, and it prevents me from having a good night's sleep, which I really feel is needed lately.
I have been extremely emotional and when I told my doctor about it (and then started crying...again), she said it's likely due to a lack of sleep and she told me to take some Benadryl and try to get some rest.
Last week we received an email from the daycare we planned on switching Farrah to in the fall that they had an opening for her for these next two weeks. With so very much hesitation on my part, we decided it was a good choice to go ahead and switch Farrah. The perks: Katie wouldn't have to take Farrah for the last remaining four trips and the stress that entails with Farrah's emotions and extra stuff to carry and leaving the car seat at the daycare, I would save myself three trips from Auxvasse in the evenings, it would save us $30 (it ended up being $10 after paying an enrollment fee), and it would give us a good trial run of how we felt and how Farrah handled the new daycare.
I'm not sure how to say this, but I felt like this transition was one of the hardest I have ever had to encounter. I struggled severely with it. Firstly, within one day, I had to let Farrah's current daycare know that the following day would be her last. I sent and received several kindhearted messages about their care, and about their thoughts on Farrah. The next day (her last day), was made special by Ms. Miah. It started with peanut and peanut butter M&M's, all her friends and teachers made her a 'We'll miss you' card, Ms. Miah fixed her hair beautifully, and she sent me several beautiful photos of Farrah and of Farrah with her friends. I cried throughout the day, and I cried when I picked her up and took all of her remaining items home from there, when Farrah saw her name tag removed from her mail drawer and asked me to put it back on, and when Ms. Marina was telling us bye. I couldn't even speak. I hid behind my sunglasses and did all that I could to not let Farrah see that there was any sadness related to this change.
Other recent pics from daycare...
I thought that was going to be the hardest part, but it wasn't. On Monday, I decided to swing by Farrah's new daycare to have her meet her teachers and to pick up the required paperwork. We showed up at lunchtime and all the kids were friendly and told Farrah hi! Farrah stood as close to me as she could. Then we went upstairs to look at her room and surroundings and talk a little with her new teacher, and I had the hardest time. I was saddened by things like her not having a cubby yet, the stark difference from the environment we were used to, the completely different classroom set up, etc. I was worried for Farrah to notice these differences and feel uncomfortable.
However, I learned so much by watching her, which is what probably hurt me the most.
She's always been our fearful, timid child. She clings on to me and never wants to let go. This day, she was braver than I was. She was completely and utterly trusting. Trusting in me, trusting in this change, and trusting in her daycare and providers. She didn't judge all the little things like I was doing. She was simply living in the moment.
She saw a toy purple castle while we were standing there and asked if she could play with it. I asked her teacher if there were some little dolls that go with it, and her teacher dug around in a plastic box and couldn't find any. Instead, she gave Farrah two My Little Ponies along with three zoo animals which included a tiger, bear, and a kangaroo. I was disappointed for her in that moment that the pretty purple castle didn't have the correct inhabitants, but I watched Farrah play with those items just like they belonged there. (It bothered me so badly that I bought three little princess dolls that evening for her to take with her to play with in the castle!)
Farrah showed me complete versatility. She showed me acceptance. She showed me a side of her that was new to me and a little scary to me.
When I dropped her off on her first day, kids were chanting her name cheerfully. We took her items to her cubby upstairs that now had her name written on a purple butterfly, I tried sitting with her at the breakfast table but she didn't want to eat, I showed her the playground outside, and then Kirsten (the director) asked if she wanted to wave to me out the window (which is what we always did at "Abe Charley's) so she agreed to it.
Kirsten sent two photos throughout the morning of Farrah and said she stopped crying as I left and was introduced to all her new friends. And when I picked Farrah up, I watched her playing by herself in the rocks on the playground. But when she saw me, she didn't really act like it was any different day. She didn't have a lot of answers to my millions of questions. Ms. Crystal (her teacher) said she was wonderful and that she didn't act like it was her first day at all, but that she joined right in with all the activities and did wonderfully.
And a photo from her second day...
I'm proud of Farrah and worried about her, too. I know I am filled with 37-week pregnancy emotions, but parenting has shown me some of the harder emotions lately. It's a beautiful journey, but one that continues to build me in ways I wasn't prepared for.
As far as pregnancy, at my 37 week appointment I weighed 148 lbs and my blood pressure was 102/60. The baby's heart rate was 150. I was feeling some lower dull back pains and the usual Braxton Hicks, but my cervix was still closed with no progression toward labor. Today, we have 12 more days until we get to meet Augusta. I was reminded by Amanda to enjoy these last days because it's tough when they get here as she is full of exhaustion a month after Heidi was born. I'm really hoping Augusta is an easy baby and that I will be a better, more at-ease mother to her, and that we will easily transition into this new phase we are about to be in.
I can't wait to cuddle tightly next to Keane, to hold and rock and play with Farrah more easily, to get some exercise, and to lick the brownie batter and cookie dough. Oh, and especially to have a nice cold beer...and having 10 weeks off work to spend with my family, in the sunshine, making memories, and honing in on peace and laughter and true contentment in life. I'm really ready to see Farrah develop a bond with Augusta, and to know for myself how possible it is to love another child, and to still show Farrah how much I love her.
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