Fear and Wonderment

I am merely weeks away from meeting my second daughter.  It's really, really surreal to me.  Surreal as in...I actually still don't believe it.  This babe moves so much inside me.  So much more than her (breech) sister did.  She reminds me so very obviously and visibly that she's right there, big and strong enough to move my stomach, and I still don't know what she looks like or what it will feel like to hold her and to look at her.  I feel full of readiness.  Ready to get to know her and get to the stages of wonderment that I hear from moms having their second child, especially their second daughters.  I feel ready to be able to move without aching and to feel like myself again and not a modified, tender, and tired version of myself.

But I am also filled with guilt...and then guilt for feeling that way.  I hope that's normal.  I hope I'm not feeling fear when everyone else in this position feels nothing but pure excitement and anticipation.  I want this experience to be full of nothing but joy.  I pray that it is.

I feel guilty for how excited I was to meet Farrah and to hold her and love her, and with Augusta, I am hesitant to give my heart to another when I love Farrah so deeply and wholeheartedly.  I know it's possible to love more.  Keane tells the kids all the time that love doesn't divide, it multiples.  I know my parents love me and my brother even though I was born second and him third, while they surely loved Kimberly with all their hearts before we arrived.  I know Keane loves Kylie and Farrah even though they are not his firstborn.  Yet I can't imagine it, so I'm just waiting for the "I told you so's" and the ease of it all that is promised by those before me.

A family member just told me that once I get Farrah past us not doing everything with or for her and focus attention on her being a helpful big sister, it's the best thing watching siblings together; that it is seriously the best thing in the world.  I really want that.  I want that for Farrah.  I want that for me.  I want that for Augusta.

I hope there's not a huge ripple in our family dynamic.  I've heard there is less of that with the second child - not quite like the huge change the first child brings.