Tanner

It has been a few weeks since August 2, the day I said goodbye to one of my very best friends, my childhood and adulthood dog, Tanner.  It took me all of these passing days to be able to heal long enough to write a honorary post for him.

He was 14.5 years old, and as every bit as lively in his latter years as his puppy days. The last several days of his life, however, he was slowing down. I could tell. He always, always, joined for every 4-wheeler ride or trip to the lake, and in his last week, I ended up giving him a ride back home on the 4-wheeler due to his slow pace and seemingly difficult trek. And then the last trip I was taking to the lake, he didn't want to join. He remained under the deck and although I did go back to get him and made him come along, he partially followed and ended up going his own path much shorter and closer to home. 

Yet it was still hard to face his passing. My jovial four-legged buddy died in his sleep on the porch he loved to relax on. 

And rather than remembering his final days, what resenates in my memory is his long and wonderful life we shared. 

He loved running and exploring. He would yipe from excitement when he spotted a rabbit to chase back into he brush. He helped Keane locate a deer by quickly following the blood trail, making him a hero in Keane's eyes that day.

Although he was a pain some days when he brought trash out into the front yard time and time again, ate green tomatoes from our garden, followed us up and down the gravel, or on the mower or the tractor, jumped in our lawn chairs as soon as we got up, wanted any and all food he could get a whiff of, and dug holes in the yard...he will always be my beloved pet. 

He used to be snippy when he was a pup and especially when he was on a chain in town, but he mellowed out in his older years. I think Farrah sensed my care for him and favored him a bit herself too. She would hollar "Tanna" each time we would go to her swing in the backyard. One time she pointed to Rudy and then to Tanner. I named the dogs as she pointed and then she sped up her finger from one to the other, so I sped up my words, "TannerRudyTannerRudy..." and she laughed so hard, making me laugh. It became our new thing. 

The day he died, Keane and the bigger kids made a cross, and Farrah and I picked wild flowers for him. I told Farrah we were going to tell him goodbye and when I laid the flowers on his grave, she waved goodbye. 

I am happy to know he lived a happy, fulfilled life. He used to love to go for rides when he would go to the groomers. He used to act embarrassed right after his hair cuts because he felt so naked, but he was so adorable! 

He swam in our lake often and loved it. He used to swim the entire width of our 10-acre lake, and he swam out to retrieve a muscrat for Keane once. 

He came with us to the woods when we cut wood and he would run and sniff the entire time. Once he was running ahead of us and there was a big creek up ahead and we knew he reached it when we saw his body disappear and his long ears fly up in the air, only to see him scamper up the other side and take off again before long. 

He reminded me of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh the way he held his head down when he walked and the way his puppy eyes looked upward. I loved when we would just collapse when Keane would point his finger at him to signify he needed to stay.

I don't know if there's room in my heart to love another dog like I do Tanner, and although I know there likely is, he will forever be the light brown cocker spaniel puppy I begged my parents for and finally received. He grew up with me and I miss him dearly.  I miss how he would always greet me when I stepped outside, and follow me every step of the way to and from the vehicle, or wherever it was that I was heading.  He would sneak into the garage to lay at my feet, even when Keane had told him to get out.  He was my buddy, and his loyalty to me never faltered.

I was uncertain if pets go to Heaven but my mom told me to believe that God loves our pets who we love enough to take care of him after their life here on Earth, so I do believe that Tanner is in Heaven swimming, chasing rabbits, wagging his little bobbed tail, chewing out the squeaky part of dog toys, eating delicious foods, and waiting patiently to see me again someday!

The Badge I Received in Breastfeeding

Every day I breastfed Farrah, about every four hours, beginning once very early in the morning, and then beginning when we woke up for the day, when I laid her down for her naps, and again when I laid her down for bed each night.  We made it through her first birthday proudly.

Then on her one-year appointment, her pediatrician said we could introduce whole cow's milk to her.  I excitedly wanted her to try milk and to see where it would take our breastfeeding journey.  I was mentally prepared for some type of shift in schedule, such as me nursing Farrah in the morning and at night, but perhaps less during the day.  That was about how it went that Thursday and Friday, and on Saturday she spent the majority of the day with my parents while we went to a Cardinals game, drinking pumped breastmilk.

On Sunday, Father's Day, we spent a lot of time outdoors in the heat and down at the lake swimming and fishing on the boat.  That night, she flat out refused to nurse when I was putting her to bed.  Her and I were in the house by ourselves, while Keane and the bigger kids were fishing again in the boat, luckily, because I lost it.  While I held Farrah who was crying and telling me no, that she did not want to nurse for basically the first time ever, I cried.  Not just cried tears, but wailed. 

I felt very sad, and extremely confused, and quite frankly, a bit offended.  I was scared, nervous, and disheartened.  I felt rejected.  I felt so very distanced from Farrah.  I felt like a piece of me died.  A huge, huge piece of the only mothering I had ever known with Farrah.  For every single day of her little life, at least four or five times every day, I nursed her.  She had always wanted to nurse as nourishment and comfort, and although she was telling me she didn't want to that night, I felt like she should.


As I was choking back more tears, I set the table for a beautiful Father's Day dinner.  Everything was in place and as I was filling up Keane's tea glass, I accidently spilled the entire glass onto the floor.  At that moment, I lost it.  Kylie saw that I spilled the tea, and although my back was turned to her, she must have known I began to cry.  She went down the hall to find Keane and told him that I spilled the tea.  When he replied okay, she responded with a look that told him, "It's not okay."


He came into the kitchen and embraced me and I told him that Farrah refused to nurse.  In my mind I wanted to hear, "It's going to be okay.  She will continue to nurse.  Tomorrow will be a regular day."  But instead, he had other words.  Words that I needed to hear.  He told me that Farrah is getting older and her needs are changing.  That she is receiving all the nourishment that she needs and that her tastes are changing and she is experimenting with new foods, and although she may not need my milk anymore, I nourished her for her entire first year of her life, and that was an amazing task that I should always be proud of.


Several days following, she nursed some and refused some.  I was almost mad at myself.  Was it because I had jalepenos at the baseball game?  Was it because I was sweaty (I know I was so sweaty) spending Father's Day outdoors?  Should I not have introduced cow's milk to her?  Was I not producing enough?  Was I not enough?  What was I supposed to do now?  Will she still WANT me?HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LET GO? 


As much as I know that Kaden and Kylie love me and want me, I don't feel like they need me, because they have their dad and mom.  At that moment, I was so incredibly scared that Farrah was no longer going to need me.


I reached out to many of my breastfeeding and momma friends and to my closest friends and family, and I was very much reassured that things would change but only for the better, that the best was yet to come, and that Farrah forever will still need me - the way that I still need my parents.


I was scared that I wouldn't know how to comfort my baby when she woke up throughout the nights like I always had before.  Farrah is not a natural cuddler, and I was always able to calm her down by nursing.  I felt true anxiety about her waking up in the night.  Oddly enough, she began sleeping entirely through the night at this point.


She changed a lot in the week and a half after she turned one.  Mainly due to the weaning of nursing, which led to me seeing her as more independent and older and growing in new and exciting ways.  I just had to get past the emotions, the great hormonal low, what I was used to, and all that I had known since Farrah.


I am so proud of us for making it a year, and now that some time has passed, I am getting used to having my body to myself again, and I am completely at peace with no longer breastfeeding, and filling up Farrah's sippy cup time and time again with whole cow's milk that she thinks is quite tasty.  I will forever be glad that I experienced breastfeeding and the trials, commitment, and sacrifice it took. 

Letter to my 1-Year-Old

My Letter to My 1-Year-Old Daughter

Dearest Farrah,


Words will never be able to possibly express all the things I wish I could say.  So incredibly much has happened since my water broke in the wee hours of the morning one year ago.  From the sleepless newborn nights and constantly trying to listen for your sleeping breath, to listening to your outloud cackle when you crawl over me on the floor and feeling your fingers hold mine a little less tightly as you gained the security and independence you needed to take the first steps on your own, my heart has changed and grown so much.  I never quite knew just how much and how deeply parents love their children.  It kind of even hurts.  When you were so new, I had heard how quickly babies grown and I ached thinking about you growing too quickly, but there is not even a day that I have wished I did more.  I have thoroughly soaked in all of this motherhood and bond, and I absolutely love waking each day to you and watching each new thing you take on and tackle. 

Motherhood is hard, but it is beautiful.  I have learned how to just make it work, in all the worst and most inconvenience circumstances.  You learn to find a place to pull your vehicle over to get a dropped paci or toy.  When you're riding in the passenger seat, without thinking about how you'll fit, you climb over the seat into the back because your baby needs you.  Your body adapts to such little sleep and eventually all that sleep you used to need, is no longer a necessity.  As tired as you are some mornings, when you are forced to open your eyes and get out of bed, that little face looking at you is all worth it.

Some things I wish I would have known

Keane replaying the song on his guitar that he played hours before my water broke, beginning a string of monumental events, would make me cry that I felt from the bottom of my stomach

Lanolin stains your shirts

Pregnancy brain gets worse after you have the baby

You will crave more food after having the baby

You still bleed after a C section

Breastfed babies still need to be burped

You will get less and less sleep, and you will still function

The amount and strength of my love and admiration

That you'll eventually worry less and less about the little things

Just how much more you'll love the next stage

Farrah's 1st Birthday Party

Farrah's 1st Birthday Party went off without a hitch.  Or maybe even better than that.  It was perfect.

Farrah Had a Little Lamb

It was a warm day, and the party started at 2:00 p.m.  In the early day, Keane set up some panels which I decorated, and shortly after, two bottle-fed lambs were delivered by Grandpa Brooks, for a petting zoo!

The guests arrived, and we started off with a taco bar. 

After everyone ate, we everyone sang Happy Birthday to the birthday babe, and she picked at her cake icing little by little.  She was very dainty about it, which was pretty cute.

I decided I wanted her birthday cake to resemble my first birthday cake that I found in a polaroid picture from when I turned one.  My mom brought all her cake decorating items over and helped me decorate her pretty cake!







Then we opened presents.  Farrah received a lot of really nice gifts from her family.


Farrah was in a great mood, which was a concern of mine.  We are very appreciative for all the love and support we have received for Farrah in her first year.  It really meant a lot to see everyone's smiling faces on behalf of our baby girl.

Her birthday present from us - a reading nook (minus all the wrinkles)!