Dear Farrah

Dear Farrah,

Please know that your mommy has wanted you for a really, really long time.  Basically for all of my life.  I always wanted kids.  Being a girl myself and growing up with a sister and almost all girl cousins, girls are what I know best.  I know all about pink curlers, baby dolls, diaries, girl talk, chick flicks, secrets, and so much more!

I love getting to know you, and I love that I will continue to throughout your entire life, because you will keep growing and changing and learning.

 I love YOU.  I love who you are already.  I love that it's you when I wake up in the middle of the night and I love that it's you who is sleeping in your crib.  I love that each morning I wake up, or from every nap, the baby I am reunited with is you.  I love that when someone is holding you and I look over at the baby in their arms, it's you.

Your face. Your eyes. Your mouth. You. 

There's a mirror on the wall in your nursery above your changing table, and when I'm walking around holding you I will peek in the mirror to see if you're asleep or not.  And I see myself.  I see me who I couldn't picture myself as a mom.  I see me holding you.  My daughter.  Those words still give me butterflies in my stomach.

I wish I could tell my younger self all about you and show a picture of you to the younger me.  I would let myself know that this beautiful dream I wanted so much really does come true and it's sweeter than I could have imagined.  I really mean that.  I would tell myself that I will have a beautiful daughter one day, and her name is Farrah Oakley.  That her daddy and I love her very much, and we love each other very much.  That she has two older siblings who adore her and giggle in the backseat at the faces and noises she makes at merely two months old.  That I will love my daughter and she will be the world's most beautiful baby girl, and that I couldn't be happier.

Even through the early-on sleepless nights and stressful car rides when you wouldn't stop crying, and now through the busy schedules, this time is so precious and I want to remember it all.  The way your little legs lay just however I hold them when you're nursing.  That you clinch your fists so tight and grab onto my hair.  That your big, dark, baby blue eyes look right at me and we stare at each other and say I love you in a way that only you and I can understand.  I absolutely love when you look to me and smile your beautiful smile.  How I look forward to you waking me up in the middle of the night to nurse because I absolutely love picking up your little body after you stretch and hold you closely.  The way you wait with so much anticipation as I get ready to nurse you, and the way it feels when you latch on.  The look on your dad's face when he looks at you and smiles a special smile, so big and proud.  The "nom nom nom" noises he makes while you wait with wide eyes for his kisses. 

Motherhood is as amazing as I had hoped, and I've only just begun.