John Lennon said, There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections.
To have a family to love and who loves me is something that everybody deserves and something that I hold so dear to my heart. I do not see my family often enough, and my parents and brother only live 13 minutes away. I have to give props to my sister who does a great job taking weekends to travel back home and spend quality time with us all.
My nephew is growing up and the way he knows me and loves me and calls me by my name is something that has rooted itself deep into my heart and I ache with love for him.
I have always dreamed of being a mother. I assume that if someone asked me twenty years ago, "What do you want to be when you grow up, Little Kristi?" I would answer, "A mom!" (And maybe a teacher and a gymnast, too) Being around a child who my sister has created, is raising, and is responsible for is truly such an amazing experience. I cannot wait to be a mother to such a special gift. To have someone call me "mom" and to run to me when life gets a little tricky or sticky -- I cannot imagine the joy it will bring to my life.
Kaden and Kylie are really wonderful children to be a stepmother to. I love them and appreciate them and their child-like presence. I enjoy teaching them and watching them grow. They have a father who loves them unconditionally, and they also have a mother who loves them. To be their stepmother always leaves me aching for children who love me in the same genuine manner that they do for their parents. There really is something special about family.
Keane loves me for me and he does so as a choice and that is something so very special. He notices instantly when I am not myself, and questions what is going on in my life. He likes my company and is very complimentary and appreciative of the things I do. And oh how good he is at making me laugh that deep laugh from within my soul. I am thankful for a loving man in my life who loves me for me.
My little brother is growing up and although there is still a 13/15 age gap between him and his sisters, there is less of a gap the older he gets. He is maturing, he is taller than we are, and we can have adult conversations with him. He is an uncle to McCoy just as much as I am an aunt to him. We are all equals in the family.
My parents are unchanging and reliable and understanding. They are always there and are really good listeners. Sometimes I am unsure whether they are not saying anything because they don't understand what I am trying to say, because they don't agree, or because they completely do get it, but either way, they make me feel important. They have known every single step I've been through in life, the struggles and the joys, and they love me nonetheless.
And my sister. She's something special. We are two peas in a pod and she fills my heart to the brim. And my laughter cup, and my understanding needs. We complete each other's sentences because we just know. I gave her Glennon Doyle Melton's book Carry On, Warrior, for her birthday (which I had to read before giving it to her) and she loved it just as much as I had hoped she would, if not more. If you haven't read that book, you need to. I told my sister I had never laughed so hard and felt so deep as I did while reading it. She laughed/cried her entire way through it, not really knowing if she was laughing or crying. It's a must read.
My heart is full with all the love that I have in my life, for the happiness that I have at hand that can sometimes be disguised as a busy schedule and a messy home, and for my future children who I have always dreamed about and who I will continue to pray for. Honestly, I know that sometimes I am fearful to love so much. And that pulls me back from life. But then I read this:
There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life -- fear of death, fear of judgment -- is one not yet fully formed in love. We, though, are going to love -- love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.
- 1 John 4:18-19
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